I keep remembering this SCBWI event I was at a couple summers ago where J. got a phone call during the event. Her father had just had a heart attack and died. It was completely out of the blue. Though J. and I aren’t especially close, her getting that call hit me hard because I’ve lived the last seven years of my life afraid to go anywhere or afraid to make major plans because I know that call is coming for me, too.
Don’t get me wrong…I HAVE gone away (never for more than a week, though)…it’s just hard. It isn’t hard for my mother, though. She’s going to Florida in January for three months. And she’s leaving my dad in the nursing home. This is my mother…this is who she is (long story!). There’s no changing her. I am four and a half hours away from my dad; my brother is three hours away. Anything that happens to Dad while she’s gone will fall to us to take care of.
I just don’t see how she can go. Sure, it’s possible he’ll linger like this for several years yet…but I doubt it. I say this all the time, but I’ve never seen him look so bad as he did this weekend. And I honestly don’t see how he can get much worse. He’ll never walk again (it’s too hard on him…causes angina). He’s just getting weaker and weaker…he can’t even hold his head up anymore (that was a change since I saw him last month). He’s in terrible pain. He hardly spoke while we were there. Hardly ate (I even brought him some lefse…homemade…his mother’s recipe). He just wanted to sleep. His coloring was awful…his face was swollen…and it was like there was nobody home when I looked into his eyes. I know he’s depressed…he’s depressed because he’s turning 70 tomorrow and his own father died at age 70 (though he’s been saying he’s “ready to go” for years). And I know he’s depressed about my mother going to Florida without him. But this is more than depression.
Let’s just say I’m glad I threw the camera in the van at the last minute (and I’ve encouraged my brother, who will be visiting Dad tomorrow, to do the same). I got a picture of him with my boys, a picture of him with my husband and me, and a picture of just the two of us. I have a feeling those will be the last pictures I’ll have of him.
While my husband agrees that Dad doesn’t look good, he’s pretty sure we’ll see him in December. He doesn’t think anything will happen until either 1) the last week in December, a few days before my mom leaves (to prevent her from going) or 2) shortly after she leaves (because he’ll just completely give up then). Maybe…but maybe not…
I keep wondering…would it be better to be in J’s position, where it just happens. Your parent dies. No warning. No chance to say good bye. Or is it better like this…watching your parent linger with virtually no quality of life for seven years…though they ARE still alive…and most of the time they’re even mostly coherent…but each time you say good bye, you’re certain this will be the last good bye…
Maybe it isn’t any easier either way. It’s never easy to lose a parent. Even when you essentially “lost” them seven years ago.
I had the middle ground. Alzheimers, with my dad’s life and abilitities dwindling a little each day. Then a sudden illness. That was actually a God send. Because after a day or two or three of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong and fix it – and my dad not knowing my name at that point – my brother looked at me and said, “I wouldn’t keep a cat alive if it was like this.” We decided to turn off everything, including IV fluids. Dad died five days later. I wouldn’t change a thing.
It seems to me like people die frquently around holidays – a day or two before or after Christmas or Thanksgiving.
I would take fast. But that’s just me. And you don’t get to pick, unfortunately.
My grandma had Alzheimers (back before it had a name)…I AM thankful my dad doesn’t have that. And there’s an Alzheimers wing in the facility my dad is at…every time I walk past it I am reminded things could be worse.
Ahhhh.
So sorry.
SO glad you got in there to see him, though.
(((hugs)))
Thanks. And who knows…maybe that WASN’T the last time???
maybe not, indeed. I think that’s one of the things that makes this time so difficult– you’re never sure…
but then, we can’t be sure about the rest of us either. we just assume…
You’re absolutely right, of course! In fact, my dad used to say “well, this is probably the last time you’ll see me” (he doesn’t say that anymore) and I’d respond, “yeah, I suppose it’s possible I’ll die in the next few weeks.” I’d say that just to point out that he COULD outlive me. He still could! None of us knows how much time we have left. That’s why we have to make the best of the time we have.
I’m so sorry to hear of your dad’s health problems. Glad you’re there for him. Take care, and big cyber hugs for you all.
Marybeth
Thanks. I know I can’t live my life waiting for “the call.” It’s just hard to get beyond it some days…
hard days
Dori–
Hard days, indeed. Sympathies.
dP
Re: hard days
But there’s plenty else I SHOULD be focusing on…
thoughts and prayers your way
thanks…I appreciate it!